THE LISTENERS’ BLOG

Cultivating the habit of building true friendship.

I have very few friends & i try as much as possible to maintain communication with them. No one can exist in isolation. People often think getting in touch is more like hardwork, but i am of the opinion if you value true friendship, you would go the extra mile to see things work out.

Read on…..

We often feel overwhelmed with external/internal pressures, difficulties, stress and all sorts of physical and emotional problems. This tends to shift our focus from reality and the notion that we are HUMANS FIRST!!! before any other thing. As humans we open to highs, lows, successes, failures,challenges, struggles etc

Read On……

Discovering Purpose

Discovering purpose is an offshoot of the listeners blog. It takes it a step further by providing coaching to individuals who require one to one coaching and you get to at least know who you are talking/writing to: laugh!!!

Most of my new topics/posts will be put on the new website(www.discoveringpurpose.co.uk). You can also send your comments, questions both ways and i will respond to them

Details of my one-to-one coaching will be available ONLY ON REQUEST.

I remain

The Listener

i feel like shouting

Trust me, you are not alone but if you ever feel like sharing some thoughts feel to post a comment or send an email. We need to surround ourselves with a bit of positive counsel, people, responsibilities, take certain decisions etc. to go through whatever life has to offer.

The level of topics/posts have reduced on this blog and theres an explaination for it. But as always i want to thank the readers who keep coming to visit the blog and send emails. I have been spending a lot of time building up my coaching/counselling practice(which is another blog), doing my postgraduate course work, balancing my main job and family together.
If you have any questions or want to find out about my practice feel free to post a comment or send an email.

I remain,

The Listener.

It’s hectic trying to juggle a lot of things together, build a new practice, take care of my family, work hard at my job but i felt the need to write this.

I was on the tube going home and my mind drifted to many experiences i ‘ve had, the positive impact people have made in my life, the self lessness they’ve shown, the family upbringing i experienced, the rules and regulations laid down by my parents, schools, the favors i have received, the friends i have made, the negative issues i have dealt with. The list is endless.

I looked back to how i approached issues, lived my life and compared it to the present day and came to a conclusion that atimes you need to remember were you are coming from. Your past either negative/positive creates a road map for your present and future and it cant be neglected.

Sometimes we live carelessly and have no regard for what life holds; in such situations we need to sit down and remember where we are coming from.

I have taken time to rememeber where i am coming from, WHAT ABOUT YOU???

This would be a tip and not a long post and it is borne out of current situations.

Many times we feel overwhelmed with pressures, difficulties, stress and all sorts of emotional problems. We always fail to realise that though the problem exists and we are working conscientiously to find a resolution, there are good things springing up from different corners that we fail to celebrate.

There may be areas of struggle eg finances, relationships, emotions, esteem, employment but there also areas with positive results. There are so many things to celebrate for example having life, good friends and family, a steady job in the recession, loving children, being able to meet your needs, having clothes on your back are all worth celebrating and being positive about.

I don’t subscribe to being flippant or careless not worrying about how to deal with current difficult situations but what i advocate is being cheerful, happy, positive while going through them knowing that it would soon become history if worked on properly.

Don’t flog yourself so hard because you are still in a mess, work at coming out but celebrate the fact that people love and want to be around you… whatever it is find something to celebrate. You can’t be a 100% negative about life or who you are

You have every reason to celebrate a few successes that have come your way.

So get up, dust your shoes, look cheerful, be happy and celebrate your successes in different things while you deal with your current situation

I got this post from the bbc website.

It made a lot of sense. Enjoy reading it.

Ultimately, our fear is of the consequences of showing our emotions – how will people react? Some men can feel under the additional burden of believing that displaying their emotions will make them appear less masculine.

They can feel emotionally trapped by traditional ‘macho images’. These images seem to dictate that some emotions are ‘feminine’ such as fear, anxiety and sadness, and that these can only be shown in restricted measures.

If showing our emotions leaves us feeling exposed and vulnerable, then why do it? There are two main incentives to do so; the first is the effect on us and the second is the effect on our personal lives.

Releasing our emotions can act as a safety valve – relieving inner tensions, like steam out of a kettle. It relieves the pressure of holding them in or disguising them.

Guarded emotions in a relationship can lead to misunderstandings about how you’re really feeling. Lack of visible emotions can be taken as a lack of feeling.

This situation can certainly hinder a successful relationship. What can be done? For people in real difficulty there are steps they can take to help themselves.

Clarify the problem

Your difficulty showing your emotions may not affect you all the time. On close reflection, you may find it’s primarily triggered in certain situations or environments, or when you’re with certain people. If this is the case, then this is the area you should be focusing on. Clarifying this can also help with the next step.

Understand how your problems started

You may not always have been this way, and your problem could have begun with a key incident in your past. Bad experiences can lead to the development of fearful beliefs about the future – fears the past will be repeated if we act the same way again.

It’s these fears that hold back our emotions. For example, a man who is ridiculed by a friend for crying may feel he couldn’t possibly cry in front of that friend again, for fear of receiving the same criticism again. This, in itself, is quite understandable and not an unreasonable response. The difficulty is that our defence mechanisms tend to go further than necessary and become generalised. So this same man might feel he couldn’t display any real emotions to any male friends – or possibly to anybody at all. If you can identify a key trigger in your past, then your actions can be rationalised and challenged more easily.

Set goals

Your goals for change need to be realistic. People are all different and some are more naturally demonstrative than others. There’s no absolute right or wrong way. There’s no point trying to be a Mediterranean type when you’re more of a Scandinavian in nature. Aim for something that feels comfortable for you. Remember it’s not always appropriate to give full reign to your emotions so again aim for something you can live with.

Get started

Don’t expect to change overnight. Changing ingrained ways of behaving can take time; go slowly and pace yourself. Make yourself feel as secure as possible when you begin. For example, don’t start off by trying to show emotion at work – choose an environment when you feel safe with people you trust. Gently allow yourself to test out your emotions.

Challenge your beliefs about the bad things that might happen if you show your emotions. Start by arguing with yourself about what you think might happen – ask yourself if it’s really true, whether it could really happen, and whether there are any other possible outcomes.

When you feel ready, test out changing your behaviour and see what really happens. Analyse this honestly and be guided by it. With time, move yourself on, test yourself more and more. This will lessen your fears and help you make progress.

Accept your limitations

Be realistic and accept that in some cases you may never be as free with your emotions as you would like to be, but change at least brings you closer to your goals. Also remember that not showing emotions doesn’t mean you don’t have them. There are other ways to communicate how you feel to the people around you. For example, what you do, what you say and your body language, are all good ways to get feelings across without having to spell out your emotions. If you’re limited in one area, then rely more on others.

Accepting who you are.

I felt i should blog on his topic after listening to someone speak about it.

It’s amazing how many of us dont accept who we are & i know it’s a difficult hing. Many of us would prefer to be born with silver spoons, rich etc. We need to accept who we are, our race, heritage, culture, totality, status etc. We should seek to develop our positive traits and not neglect them because they form part of our make up.

The speaker highlighted how ofetn he spends 95% of his time trying to please people or make people like him but he discovered loving/liking himself first, being true to himself brought him self confidence and eventualy genuine people were drawb to him.

I used to make this statement ober 10-15years ago, the people i like dont like me and those that i dont like, like me. It was funny being upset about it and trying so hard to be liked. I later discoered being myelf and being comfortable in my own skin can have a tremendous impact. I stopped struggling and was distinguished in my field and sphere of influence.

 I intend to write more on accepting who you are but in the mena time do you accept who you are?

I am a year older today.

I am a year older today and i have every reason to be grateful.

I spent it reflecting and being grateful for my wife, son, friends, family.
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I didnt start worrying about things not achieved but looked at my successes in their own little way, remembered how i though it was going to be impossible but take little but right steps saw me through.

I also spent it having a house make over with my wife and son. Doing things together as a family strengthens our bonds. I believe it serves as foundation for proper upbringing, love, communication.

Anyway the day is almost over but i have enjoyed every bit of it.

Lesson learnt: Always learn to be grateful at all times.

confidence

Confidence is very vital in every phase of life we go through, but sadly there are a lot of us who lack this character. We need confidence in our day to day activities, in order to drive, you need to be confident on the steering wheel, to teach, you have to be a good communicator, to get a job, you have to prove to the interviewer, you fit the job decription.Confidence cant be avoided at all. Lack of confidence is dependent on several factors. It may be shyness, vulnerability, low self esteem, fear, phobias, worry, anxiety etc.but they can be dealt with one step at a time. I must also point out that overconfidence in itself is very dangerous, it can lead to arrogance & eventually ones’ downfall.One has to strike a balance in achieving a decent & an acceptable level of confidence. So how can you grow in self confidence? Show some creativity. It’s amazing to know how human beings are packed with a lot of creativity in them, but we don’t harness/utilize it. We show our creativity in many ways, it could organizing functions, events, weddings, our thesis, school homework, it could also be match making, talking, mentoring,etc the list is endless. What comes naturally to you? What can you easily adapt to? Whats easy for you to do? What do you blend with? What triggers your attitude to take action?

In what situation/circumstance would you find yourself comfortable? Show some creativity, be good at what you do & learn to be open to improvement. Improve on those positive/likeable characters you have. Learn to create time to think everyday. It’s amazing to see people live their day to day lives without thinking for a second. Outline the areas/habits you are struggling with & seek to put an end to it. Get as much information as you can. Read the papers, watch television, listen to the news/current affairs, read books, network with different people, have a decent social life. Ask questions, make discoveries, be challenged, explore areas of interest.

Whatever you do, make sure you GET INFORMED. Hang around positive people. ‘Show me your friends & i can tell a bit about who you are’. Make sure the friends you have are those who would encourage, support, praise you where necessary. Your friends must be able to motivate you, share with you, grow with you & not take you for granted. You should find sound counsel/advice with the friends you keep.

No one can exist without friends no matter who you are or what positions you may hold. We all need encouragement one way or the other. Seek to develop friendship with people who have experience in certain areas & you can learn from them. Build positive relationships. Grow in self confidence today.

show some improvement by reducing this pile

Life would be a lot easier if we could just make a few adjustments and become real to ourselves.

We need to show some improvement in every facet of our lives: at work, friends, family, relationships, communication etc. 

Here are a few tips to personal improvement.

• Go with your heart. Think about what you love doing and what you do naturally.
• This is something you must be passionate about. It’s doing something you feel enthusiastic about.
• Be yourself! Learn to Relax
• Know that everyone is different and unique in their own way.
• Determine who you want to be
• Confront your fears

get some rest

Rest this is a habit i am trying to cultivate. I am one of the worst offenders on not resting, although i decided to write on it based on recent issues in the last few weeks.Your body system works like a machine if you drive it too hard, it will protest and this happened to be my case.

Come to think of it how many of us take time out to rest? What is rest: ceasing from work, taking time out to relax and allow room for your body to get refreshed.We need to rest to prevent a breakdown in our health. It also helps us get focussed and we can think properly.

Have you ever been so worked up that you couldnt communicate properly let alone think.

There are many activities to be done Go for holidays, meet friends and family, get adequate sleep, watch movies,go to church, go for social engagements, participate in activities that you would normally not do,read books, go shopping, watch football,spend time with your children or spouse etc WHATEVER YOU DO, TAKE OUT TIME TO REST.